I head back to Colorado in 8 days and in a whopping 18 days I'll be 21. I keep saying it...still feels unreal.
By the time I'm 21 I will have 1) No social life 2) No passion to drink and 3) No need to be 21.

Rock on!
I don't want to leave my brother he's been the bulk of my happiness.


And that's a fact.
But life is good.
Life is actually great.
Life is actually fucking amazing.

I wish I could share some of this with you.


Oh...I recommend looking up THE HULK VS WOLVERINE TRAILER...it's just delight.
Try www.youtube.com.
Or IGN.com

Yeh --- til next time

I want my minnie mouse doll. I want to have a temper tantrum. I don't want to have knee surgery all over again. I'm mad. I'm mad all the time. I'm mad when I'm just sitting around laughing. I am not a happy camper. I watched the movie INTO THE WILD last night and that too pissed me off. Extremist piss me off. But oh it was filmed so beautifully that I'm sure it will win a bunch of fucking awards. Ridiculous...quanity vs quality (the script is shit but I bet I can make it look good). Writers upset me to the point of being mad and it makes me mad that when I write mediocre things everyone I know praises it like it's AMAZING! Like it's the next best thing. No wonder writers only do half of what they can do...people accept crap because we're dumb as hell now.
I just don't see a point in going to school.
I just don't see a point in having a career.
I just don't see a point in having a family.
I just don't see a point in falling in love.
I just don't see a point in hanging out.
I just don't see a point in partying.
I just don't see a point in drinking anymore.
I just don't see a point in traveling.

I just don't see a point in things anymore. I spend hours during the day trying to think of one person to reach out to. I scan my contacts list in my phone over and over - occasionally stopping on old friends names I should call him/her but what will I say after the initial hi...what's up....
I just don't have anything to say anymore.
I'm just not as fun as I used to be.
I'm just not as unique as when I faked it.
I just don't see what the point is...Because what I have to say to most of the people I talk to falls on deaf ears and the rest is just lubricant. I just want everything to go smoothly. Everything is overrated now. Everyone lies and tells everyone else what they want to hear. Society is dare I say...whack.

I'd rather be alone.
And not because I am so depressed or that I can't find a friend in the world...but because I feel alone with most of my friends these days anyways so why not skip the bullshit and go straight to the point.

FUCK~~
have a nice day.

I really miss this baby.  The house is insanely quiet without him or Ashley. I miss them a lot.

I can't wait to be home.
Saturday. 12:48. As soon as I hit that Georgia ground...well, I've missed it.
This is gonna be the best vacation ever.
Really.
It's insane.

I think you need a vacation soon....please.

+I used to think I was going to do great things.
+I was going to write books that made people want to read.
+I was going to be something special.


But now...I think I'm just going to be forever stuck on OK.
And I'm not gonna do great things.
I'm not going to write books that make people want to read.
And I'm never going to be something special.

I'll just be ok.
And everything will just be ok.
Because OK is all that I'm ever given...and when you become used to that it's hard to get much else.

I don't want to say goodbye but and then I realized yesterday that I only want to say goodbye to two people. Two main people outside of the family I'm leaving here to say goodbye to...It's just not fair. This isn't what I wanted at all. I hate the cold...I hate winter...But I'm going to be responsible and adult about this. I'm not going to complain outloud and when I move on December 20th I won't be a little bitch about. I'll put the last of my shit in my dad's truck and not look back as we leave GA.

It's just not fair.
And in saying goodbye to Amanda and Carley.
The old time bestfriend - Amanda. God we had some laughs..we had some tears and now we have nothing at all it seems. It's crazy how it happens but it did. But, talk about sisterly bonds. I still stand up for her even though we haven't talked talked in ages.
The new bestfriend - Carley. God I don't even want to say goodbye. I don't even know how to begin thanking her for the many times she has been there for me these past few months. We've been there for each other...

It's not fair.
But I won't complain.

It just looks like I'm leaving GA the same way I came...friendless, alone and sad.
It's really not fair at all, but that's life.

Now, I've done my complaining on deaf ears; and that's it. I'm done with it...I've said how I feel about it. But at this point I really don't feel like I'm living my own life at all. I have no voice and no say in what I do next...

I'm just a pawn.
& pawns die.